Mental Health Club
Mental Health Club
Two months ago I joined a 24 Hour Fitness, but two months went by without me setting a foot back in there.
Originally I grabbed a really good deal on their website with the hope of shedding a couple pounds before a vacation in October. But the closer the vacation got, the busier I got.
Then we were gone, and after we got back we each took turns with a flu thing. And of course, all the usual procrastinating occurred.
I am very good at finding things to beat myself up about, including paying for gym memberships I never use. (That's what - at least $3,000 wasted in the last 10 years?!) A health club is just one more ominous place that exists to prove what a slacker I am.
But today I did something very different. I gave myself permission to walk into that club and go be lazy in the whirlpool spa. I decided my mental health needing improvement most of all this afternoon.
I figured I should look at this in a new way. Maybe if I just spend a week or two going there to have relaxing, me time in the spa, the club can represent a happy place for me. Then, after I want to be there, I can expand my horizons beyond the locker room.
Mental health club... I call it!
Seven Year Itches
Seven Year Itches
I recently heard a comment about life occurring in seven-year cycles. I also learned that some acquaintances are separating after seven years of marriage. It set off some soul searching about my own seven-year-itches, and I've come to the conclusion that, as usual, fate often sends you messages at the perfect time.
I certainly went through a cycle from ages 13 - 20. Erikson called this stage of psychosocial development "Identity vs. Role Confusion." Asking "who am I?" was particularly difficult after I became a mother at age 15. I didn't get the chance to spend this important time determining my own identity.
Only by age 20 did I even have a slight sense of how to differentiate between "Jaime" and "Aly's mom." It is my opinion that having a child during this time both forcefully thrusts you out of this stage and semi-permanently retains you within it. It takes a lot to rejoin these halves of yourself.
Part of the identity we embrace is our sexual identity. This search certainly spilled over into my next cycle, which started at age 21. Again, Erikson's stages hit the mark as I indeed entered the "Intimacy vs. Isolation" phase.
First, I had to learn to separate sex from intimacy. I spent a lot of time being physically close to men without ever reaching emotional intimacy with them. It took a long time to understand that my sexual identity was just a small part of my entire identity, and that "who I was" was a person worth being intimate with in every sense.
Next, I had to embrace isolation. Learning to be alone is a crucial prerequisite to true intimacy. My sister was, I will admit, under attack from our family after her divorce last year. She met her ex at age 20 after a string of back-to-back relationships. She is now 26 years old and has never really been alone.
She thinks we are not supportive of her current boyfriend because we miss her ex, and that is partly true. But I have also expressed my wish that she learn from my mistakes in love (I know, we can only learn from our own mistakes) and wait a little longer before she dates again.
I told her how important it is to be painfully alone for a little while, to sit in that discomfort until it no longer holds sway over your emotions. Only after you can be alone without feeling lonely can you become intimate without becoming dependent.
I have gone from painfully alone to comfortably alone. And lately, I have felt a kind of restlessness which suggested to me that I was entering a new phase in my life. Here is where this seven-year-cycle concept began to dawn some light.
Erikson thought his Intimacy stage lasted until about 35 or so. I think ages 29-36 is a specific cycle of its own. I turn 30 in December, as the rest of my "cohorts" (peers) have done this year, and some definite soul searching is taking place among us all.
I'm guessing this is a "true" or "healthy intimacy" stage. I have friends in long-term relationships that I bet, over the course of the next few years, will decide were founded on the whims of youth and will not sustain them later. Those of us who took those punches early on will probably begin gravitating towards healthier partnerships. And the few lucky ones who got it right the first time will probably begin to seek more emotional intimacy from their friends again, to achieve balance in their relationships.
It will be fascinating to watch what happens over the next seven years. Where will we all be at 37? Who will be divorcing, who will be entering mid-life crises, and who will have finally found love? Only time will tell.
Spoiled
Spoiled
I am in many ways a very spoiled single parent. I have at least three luxuries that many can only dream of, and it helps to remember that:
I am lucky enough to have affordable housing - a fact I occasionally take for granted until I hear tales from others. A friend recently sat at my kitchen table and told Aly and I how she grew up in a single parent household and had to sleep in kitchens, attics, "wherever there was a spot."
(You should have seen how wide Aly's eyes got! She has always had her own room, and being a teen she now pratically lives in there. Probably really hard for her to imagine not having a door to slam!)
By some small miracle, I receive child support, although this has been spotty lately. Of course, not receiving it for 11 years with Aly ensures I will always be able to sympathize with not getting it.
(I just wish it was a little more consistent these days, as I can never plan ahead with it, and my subsidized rent is based on the most I could get, versus what I often do get.)
I also receive subsidized child care, which means AJ attends a quality preschool and is not stuck, as a friend of mine is, relying on a relative who is providing (in my opinion) unhealthy food and minimal stimulation. I am fairly certain that AJ will be prepared for Kindergarten and her son will not.
It is not simply most single parents who would give anything for these luxuries, but in the case of assistance with housing and child care, many low-income families in general would. And "low-income" is subjective, because many parents cannot make do with their pay, but do not qualify for some of these programs.
I myself am somewhat "trapped" in making the amount of money I do. My budget is extremely tight, with no room for unexpected expenses. But if I were to make much more, all these services would disappear. Unfortunately, it would take even more money to be able to afford them on my own.
Still, it's better to be "trapped" with these luxuries than to be trapped with nowhere to turn. And I am grateful.
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