How Did I Get Here?
How Did I Get Here?
Ever sit in front of the stage at Chuck E Cheese's and think, "I should SO be at a rock concert right now."
Ever try your hardest to tune out Hannah Montana in the car, and long - for just 10 minutes - to blast some old school rap (you know... an EXPLICIT version)?
Ever wonder how you stopped fantasizing about the cast of Lost, and started considering the cast of Imagination Movers instead?
Ever stand in front of the mirror and wonder why your mom never warned you about getting: a) chin hairs in your 20s, b) gray hairs in your 30s, and/or c) adult acne in your 40s?
Yeah... me too.
Work vs Motherhood
Work vs Motherhood
When I moved out of state, I planned to utilize savings and child support to allow me to stay home through the summer. The job market is brutal, and I looked forward to taking AJ to playgroups, the park, etc. I wanted a taste of stay-at-home-motherhood.
Balancing work and motherhood is an insane act. You take on multiple personalities to deal with the incongruencies. When you're doing one thing, you're worrying about the other. And when a child is sick or hurt or plays the "I just want to stay home with you" card, your loyalties are tested.
But after a couple months off, I must admit I'm already chomping at the bit for a worklife again. I like the orderliness of it. I said that I was so organized at my last job in order to maintain my sanity, to counter my disorganization at home. No one messes with my desk at work. No one gets peanut butter on my computer. And I can measure my accomplishments with more certainty.
My guilt at needing this life separate from my children is appeased by the fact that they love school/childcare. I know they love being with kids their own ages, and I think they love the orderliness and challenges too. Routines are more consistent, and teachers stick to the rules because they don't feel guilty about the time they don't give you.
I do feel guilty. As do most moms. Especially single moms. Do you ever wish to be rich so that most of these problems could melt away? Just look through this slide of Hollywood's Single Moms - most note the struggle to do right by their kids. It is inherent in the life we lead.
Even with the guilt to deal with, I run into other moms who admit in whispers that they just couldn't stay home. We need to give ourselves permission to say it aloud, with dignity. We can be multi-faceted. We can embrace our strengths. We can do what makes us happy. We can admit that others can help make our kids happy too.
We can say, "I am a busy, working mom, and a good mom."
Motherhood Ain't For Sissies
Motherhood Ain't For Sissies
At a single parent outing Sunday, I spoke with a mom who lamented, "This single parent thing is WAY more work than I thought it would be."
This lovely, succesful woman who owns an engineering company adopted her son and wisely connected with our group to keep sane. It is easy to think that organizational management skills, financial stability, world travels, and more prepare you for motherhood. She admitted to thinking, "How hard could it be?" Uh, super dooper uber hard.
AJ meanwhile had an EPIC MELTDOWN the day before at Target. (Why do I shop with her when she hasn't had a nap? WHY? I must be an incredibly slow learner, or desperate to get out of the house.) I put back her kids' mouthwash (yes, mouthwash), because she likes to treat the aisles of Target like giant Slip and Slides. EVERY AISLE.
So to my humiliation, she proceeds to scream, kick me, kick a shelf and break it, then pick up products off the floor and throw them again for good measure. (I swear, I have several friends who can attest to very calm, reasonable behavior from this child most of the time.) I have to use one hand as a handcuff and the other to steer my cart while dragging her to the checkout. Yeah, super dooper uber hard.
The ride home consists of both of us crying. She stops first, because she is three and the trees look nice and she wonders what she'll play with when she gets home. But my tears continue to flow. I know her meltdowns are magnified by the pressure of moving. I try to remember why I moved so far away from my own mother, who house I could normally go to right about now for even a half hour break.
From birth or adoption, so much of motherhood consists of pain and sacrifice now for a future we hope to see. I know that parents who adopt, especially from abroad, often invest great quantities of time and money on an adoption that can fall through at any moment. Sometimes the gamble appears to be a losing one. I'm just hoping my move isn't.
I read somewhere that Thomas Edison "failed" 1,000 times before inventing the light bulb, but he preferred to see it as a journey that took 1,000 steps. (These numbers could be wrong, but you get my point.) Thankfully, I am positive my journey included this move, so I can't lose, really.
Starting Over - Big Time
Starting Over - Big Time
After more than a year of research and saving, and then a crazy last-minute leap of faith following a solid tax return, we moved to another state without knowing a soul there.
I wanted to move to a more affordable state. We picked Colorado because, coming from California, we wanted a lot of sun if we were going to deal with "extreme weather" (i.e. anything other than 60-80 degrees and some clouds).
Then I researched for a family-friendly area with lots of activities. I also wanted a town striving to be environmentally friendly. I looked for a church (Unitarian Universalist) that had a lot of families (our previous one was struggling to grow in that area) and an active teen group. I looked for a highly rated school system (one that, even with budget cuts, would strive to maintain a quality education) and a high school that might meet Aly's needs.
I knew I would need to immediately connect with new people so I wouldn't go crazy. I did internet searches for "mother," "child," and "single parent" along with the town name, and I found playgroups, storytimes, mothers' centers and a couple Meetup.com groups. I even found a really reasonable, licensed, drop-in child care center.
I decided to continue my 24 Hour Fitness membership, with the $20 a month unlimited childcare option. Basically, I made sure I would have something to do most days of the week, along with a little bit of me time.
Of course, I took Aly for a scouting mission beforehand. We went to the church we wanted to attend and toured some neighborhoods. We checked out playgrounds (boy are there a lot!) and schools (lots of those too!). Then we determined that the nearest Costco wasn't TOO far of a drive.
When we came home we discussed it more with friends and family, then just went for it! We got a great deal with U-haul (most companies will tell you their best deals are online, so that's usually what I do, but in this instance nothing beat walking in and telling a manager what other deals were out there.)
We literally drove through blinding snow to get here, but I think it will be worth it. I'm now unpacked, finally have my internet hooked up, and am just starting to explore this whole new world I've plunked us into. I'll let you know how it goes.
Spoiled
Spoiled
I am in many ways a very spoiled single parent. I have at least three luxuries that many can only dream of, and it helps to remember that:
I am lucky enough to have affordable housing - a fact I occasionally take for granted until I hear tales from others. A friend recently sat at my kitchen table and told Aly how she grew up in a very poor, single parent household and had to sleep in kitchens, attics - "wherever there was a spot."
(You should have seen how wide Aly's eyes got! She has always had her own room, and being a teen she now pratically lives in there. Probably really hard for her to imagine not having a door to slam!)
By some small miracle, I receive child support, although this has been spotty lately. Of course, not receiving it for 11 years with Aly ensures I will always be able to sympathize with not getting it.
I also receive subsidized child care, which means AJ attends a quality preschool and is not stuck, as a friend of mine is, relying on a relative who is providing (in my opinion) unhealthy food and minimal stimulation. I am fairly certain that AJ will be prepared for Kindergarten and her son will not.
It is not simply most single parents who would give anything for these luxuries. In the case of assistance with housing and child care, many low-income families would sacrifice a limb for it. And "low-income" is subjective, because many parents cannot make do with their pay but do not qualify for some of these programs.
I myself am somewhat "trapped" in making the amount of money I do. My budget is extremely tight, with no room for unexpected expenses. But if I were to make much more, all these services would disappear. Unfortunately, it would take much more money to be able to afford them on my own.
Still, it's better to be "trapped" with these luxuries than to be trapped with nowhere to turn. And I am grateful.
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