Missing Out

As single parents, we often deal with the nagging thought that our kids are missing out.

My girls are missing out on their fathers. "Half my heart is missing," Aly used to tell me. As a by-product, they're missing a second set of grandparents, and someone to make Father's Day gifts for at school.

But they're also missing out on smaller matters, like the vacations my parents were able to take my sister and I on, or the energy two parents bring to the home.

Recently, we took in a dog. I knew for a fact that I had no more time or energy to give, but at 13, it was plausible that Aly might, so we gave it a shot.

It was quickly clear that this was just one more thing to nag her about. She LOVED having the dog to sleep with, pet and play with, but walks and potty breaks were soon forgotten. Before long, there were accidents in the house that could have been avoided and resentment grew.

And I had a feeling it would work this way. But I have a hard time fighting that voice in my head that says I need to be everything that two parents should be to my girls. That they shouldn't do without every experience I had.

We've since found the dog a better home, with that "perfect" family of a work-from-home mom and a dad probably raking in enough money for the future vet bills. Some families are just better suited for these things.

We're thinking about trying a cat in a while. And I am NOT a fan of cats. But regularly petting an animal is known to extend your life, and at least a cat would have a litter box (UGH!) at its disposal.

My girls deserve - maybe not every opportunity, but most opportunites - so I'll live with it. Their happiness is my reward.

Camp Hope-I-Come-Back-In-One-Piece

My mission, since I chose to accept it, is to keep seven 12- & 13-year-old girls from harming themselves or each other at Aly's Science Camp this week. In other words, Riot Control.

Yes, as if I somehow wanted to relive the horrors of my own fifth grade "outdoor ed" experience, I fought for the chance to chaperone her and her classmates for this four-day "learning and team-building experience" we'll "always remember."

To be honest, I knew Aly's chances of having a positive experience (and not getting sent home early) would be greatly increased if I was there, and I'm hoping it will be good for us to spend a little AJ-free time together.

She's excited because she missed fifth-grade outdoor ed due to a change in school districts, so she hasn't done something like this with kids from school before. At the same time, she has gone to summer adventure camp and is looking forward to activities like the Zipline.

Have you heard of this? You get to strap your (in my case) big butt into a dubious-looking harness that is supposed to keep you safe - her teacher warned us to find just the right fit or you'll get a wedgie that you'll certainly "always remember" - and then somehow fly through the forest attached to a little wire.

Aly says I simply HAVE to do this with her... I'm still working on a twisted-ankle-headache-nosebleed thing to save my, well, butt.

And more importantly, I HAVE to help her make best friends out of all her enemies, be cool, make everyone like me, stay out of her way, and be right beside her if someone picks on her.

It's a major undertaking, that's for sure. I'm just hoping my harness comes with a superwoman cape.

Summer in the City - For Teens

I've been worrying about what to do with my 13 year old for the summer. She's too old for daycare, but too young to be by herself.

I don't think she'd get into the kind of trouble I got into as a teen - you know, the kind that led to her birth - but no real good could come of her alone time.

In particular, as we are working hard on getting her weight under control, it's important for her to have a routine for eating and activities to keep her mind and body occupied in the meantime.

It turns out our local Boys & Girls Club can provide this and more. For $200 a month, she'll have a boatload of activities, field trips and fun. Breakfast and lunch is also included at this club, though not at the other ones I called in our county.

It's a really tight squeeze budget-wise but worth the peace of mind. Parenting is hard enough without wondering if your house will be set on fire while you're not home! They serve children and teens, up to age 17 in this club's case, so she won't be stuck with "a bunch of babies" either.

If you're in the market for some great summer fun for your kids, or if you'd like a great organization to help support/volunteer at, check out their website to find a club near you, or call 1-800-854-CLUB.

Traditions

This could have been a sad day, but it wasn't. I could have bought into the hype, but I didn't. In fact, in spite of the fact that I have been single for each of the last seven Valentine's Days now, it was a day to look forward to.

Aly and I have a special Valentine's Day tradition several years running now. We go get manicures, sip sparkling cider, eat truffles, and act all around luxurious by saying things like "Dahhling" a lot.

This is especially important now that she has a little sister taking up more of my time. It will continue to be our special thing every year - at least until she heads off to college or gets "too old" for something so silly. Then it will be AJ's turn.

And it will continue to be something I commit to even if I'm in a relationship down the road. It serves as an important reminder to me that I have two of the greatest loves I will ever know in my life every day. And I am blessed.

I Only Have So Much To Give

To be certain, I have days when I don't rank too high on the parenting scale. There is only so much of me to go around, and sometimes I can't find the right balance between meeting all my obligations and nurturing my children in the ways they need.

My preteen is living in a very scary world right now. Junior High can be one of the worst places on Earth at times. Every one I talk to groans and says, "Oh, I remember middle school... it sucked!"

But she has more challenges than most. I was only a teen when I had her, and whereas I feel fairly capable of raising my toddler now, I can barely remember Aly's first few years. She has had a lot of change and loss in her past, which has made her very insecure in her present.

She continues to have a hard time making friends, even now that we are stable. Her social skills are not the best and she can't understand why kids don't understand her. I try to work around her school schedule so that I can be there for her as much as possible. But at the end of many days, she is so full of angst and need that it overwhelms us all.

At the end of a long day, this is really difficult to come home to, and I come home to these stories more and more. And between putting together dinner, throwing in a load of laundry, cleaning up the messes, giving the little one a bath, helping with homework and preparing for tomorrow, it's so hard to find the time to listen to her, soothe her, reassure her, and guide her. Anyone with a teen knows this is not a ten minute process.

I keep thinking, "I had two parents and they couldn't handle me... How the hell am I going to get through the next five years?!" Then I take a couple deep breaths, decide how to get through tomorrow, note a couple ideas to work on her self-esteem and behavior for the future, and try to let go of the anxiety.

She needs me to say things will be okay, even when I don't have a clue how. But that's my job, and even on days like this, I wouldn't trade it for the world.