Winter Wonderland

This is shaping up to be the first Christmas AJ really understands what's going on. First, she sat down with a toy catalog that came in the mail and looked through it for a good 15 minutes. "I get that Mom?" she kept asking.

Next, she got hooked on the latest "Yo Gabba Gabba" episode from On Demand entitled "Christmastime." And now, she keeps asking when we will get a tree. So, I have started doing a little soul-searching about what I want her to connect to this time of year.

My mom always went all out on presents - she felt successful if they covered the entire floor. I used to feel that same pressure, which is especially difficult on a tight budget. If you go that route on a small income, it leads to a bunch of cheap, crappy gifts that fall apart right away.

I've already warned Aly that this year she would be receiving her traditional Christmas Eve gift (she always gets to open one) and then probably one more (from me anyway) on Christmas day. Grandma will certainly out-present me, but I'm at a point where I don't really care anymore. I want the girls to view this as a celebration, not a competition.

Some of our other traditions include a Christmas lights tour complete with mugs of hot chocolate and holiday songs blaring on the car stereo, getting a tree early in December then decorating it on the Winter Solstice, and a big sleepover in my bed on Christmas Eve.

This year we'll be adding in some new traditions since we joined our Unitarian Universalist Congregation. And I'm taking off more time around the last two weeks of the year for some real family togetherness without the pressure of vacations and whatnot.

AJ's new awareness will entice us to do things more elaborately so that her early memories are powerful and happy. I can't wait to watch it unfold.

Avoid Over-Correcting

There are many things I don't worry about with AJ, because I learned what was crucial and what wasn't with Aly. Second kids in general get "hovered" around less, I think.

At the same time, there is a temptation to make up for all your mistakes with your first child. In this sense we often over-correct and aim for perfection in parenting later children. It's just as unrealistic as expecting ourselves to be perfect the first time.

Aly watched a lot of TV when she was little. It hasn't developed into much of a bad habit though - she'd much rather be outside. But I still felt guilty and was determined to NEVER let AJ watch TV. Maybe an occasional Disney movie, but that was it.

I've recently turned back the wheel a bit. AJ discovered the wonders of Dora the Explorer and Yo Gabba Gabba at my friends' houses. I gave in at my own house after weeks of just-got-home meltdowns. I tried all the tricks, but AJ continued to need a release after a long day of following rules and missing me at daycare.

Now, she gets a 25-minute show of her choosing from Nick On Demand (LOOOOOOOOVE IT!) when we come home. We both get the chance to decompress after our stressful days, and I get a chance to start dinner in peace. The whole rest of the evening flows much better than it did before.

Now, the screen time does stop there, and that was probably the goal I should have set with her from the beginning.

Similarly, I dated someone whose children would eat nothing but fast food chicken nuggets and french fries. The experience was so frustrating that I also said AJ would NEVER get a chance to get hooked.

I held on til after she turned 2. But eventually, she got a taste of what I have to admit is one of the best inventions since electricity. Who doesn't love fries?! We only hit a fast food joint about twice a month, anyhow. As long as they're not fried in trans fats, we're probably safe.

In both cases, what I was really aiming for was more balance than I had achieved with Aly. The kind of balance that comes with time and understanding. I didn't do horribly by Aly, and I can do better by AJ. Practice makes progress.

Defining Gender Roles

I can't believe it - AJ turns two years old today! It seems like she was just born yesterday. Now she's communicating in full sentences and potty training and "stating her independence" (read - saying "NO!" a lot).

I have to admit that AJ has been more ready to give up her diapers than I have. She is probably my last baby, so this time is so precious to me. Before I know it, she'll be "stating her independence" as a teenager, and Aly - who is turning 13 in a couple weeks - is making it quite clear how much fun that is!

I have to remember that each of them deserve the same amount of patience. Both stages are wonderous times where children explore their capabilities and limitations, and they want to understand their impact on the world around them. It's my job to let their jobs be as safe and fun as possible.

The other concept we're exploring at our house is gender roles and gender neutrality. AJ's birthday is featuring Finding Nemo decorations, a blue and orange color scheme, and a Pirate Ship inflatable pool. No princess parties here!

At the same time, my sister (our resident Cultural Anthropology major and "gender neutral expert") is having a fit because I bought AJ a toy kitchen as her birthday present. I don't see a problem with "enforcing this stereotype," as my sister says.

Frankly, I think that girls AND BOYS should be encouraged to roleplay in kitchens. Our society cooks a lot less these days and our health is suffering because of it. And I definitely know a couple Mama's Boys who could have benefitted from understanding that a dish brush is their friend!

In the end, my goal is to provide a variety of toys and activities that show both of my girls that they can do anything they want to, if they put their minds to it. With Democratic presidential candidates breaking color and gender barriers down, I truly know that the sky is the limit for them!

How Do You Find The Balance?

Upstairs is a sleeping baby who is supposed to be at daycare. Downstairs is a frantic mom trying to figure out how to squeeze in a bit of work from home.

I'm really lucky. I do web editing for a parenting magazine, so I have the ability to take some of my work with me, and the other parents I work with generally understand when the kids are sick.

Still, I can't help but be jealous of the moms at work who are switching off with their partners, so that nobody has to take too much time off. I can't help but be worried that my missing work this time will be the "straw that breaks the camel's back" for my boss.

It really is ideal to have two parents in a home, with one of them mostly dedicated to family management. Someone who doesn't have to worry and lose money everytime someone is sick, or a plumber has to be waited for, or a kid just really, really wants you to come on a field trip.

So what do you do when that's not possible? Right now I can do some of my work at home. Previously, I ran my own home party sales business in the evenings. I am thinking about trying to do freelancing from home on a permanent basis once I have enough experience.

Truthfully, I really like going to work, separate from my house. I like the time away and the adult interaction. I like knowing exactly where my money is coming from too, and having someone else worry about the taxes, paperwork, etc.

My daughters are also very social creatures, such as myself, who thrive on their own interactions with kids their age. When I work at a regular job, I also get assistance with child care. At home, I'm just not able to focus as well.

But winter is a sickly time for little ones in day care, so work gets missed. It's not fair to an employer, or other employees who don't miss work. So I am constantly trying to come up with a better solution.

What do other people do? How do you find the balance?

I'm A Big Girl Now

"I'm not a baby anymore," 2.5-year-old AJ solemnly informs me daily. "I'm a big girl now."

"You're right!" I often answer. Every day, she leaves another little piece of that infant/toddler behind, and it is bittersweet. She is becoming an amazing little girl, but I still long for my baby too.

The funny thing is that, almost daily, she also says, "But Mommy, I still yittle!" She wants it both ways, and frankly so do I.

Case in point - sleep time. She has gotten into a habit of sleeping with me, which I know gets harder to break by the day. Unlike some of my friends, I trained her early to sleep in her crib, and it wasn't that hard. Then she finally realized she could climb out. After a while, I just stopped bringing her back.

I know that I should remain firm, but truth be told, I love cuddling her and smelling her hair and seeing her smile first thing in the morning. Aly would still sleep with me if I let her, so this can't last too long. But holding her in the crook of my arm through the night gets me a little more precious time with my baby.

At this point, it's not relationship-taxing, because I'm single. Really, the biggest reason at this moment for not doing it is that I'm sleep-deprived, which is a HUGE reason. And I do need space and time to myself - this is the only place I'm going to get it right now.

So tonight I'll start the midnight stumble back to her bed. It's best for both of us. She'd be much better off with a well-rested Mommy during the day. Tonight I'll get some real sleep.

Or tomorrow...

A Whole New World

I watched the TV with amazement, and I looked at AJ with tears. "My beautiful (bi-racial) child, it's a whole new world for you," I kept thinking.

I can't wait to tell her Obama's story."When you were just two years old," I'll begin. The ending is wide open. I pray that Obama's (and his family's) safety, and great change, and a more accepted belief in the value of every skin color weaves those pages.

I want to explain as she grows up how hard America worked for something she might easily (hopefully?) take for granted. I'll show her the doors that he finally opened - after so many other strong, smart, wonderful people had pushed and nudged and greased the hinges.

The work still ahead of him is unimaginable. Our nation must also heal from war, and economic catastrophe, and lingering prejudice over color, gender, and more. But last night, the world changed for her, for all of us. And I am overjoyed.

Warning! Mood Change Ahead!

"I so happy," says AJ.

"Good!" I answer.

"I gonna be so mad though," she warns.

"Why?" I ask.

"I don't know," she replies matter-of-factly.

Don't you wish kids really could warn you everytime they were about to change moods, or likes/dislikes, or train of thought? Like when Aly and I are talking about one thing and suddenly she switches mid-sentence to finish a conversation we had the day before. Yeah.

This reminds me of a commercial I often hear on the radio right now. It's for AT&T Navigator, a GPS thing you can get on your phone. A guy is talking to his girlfriend about visiting her parents for the weekend, making a complete ass out of himself, and a computer voice pipes in with, "Warning - Make U Turn Immediately!" and stuff like that.

But a Kid Navigator for parents. Now there's the biggest money-maker. Any ideas?

Meltdown at the Market

It's finally happened - my angel baby officially hit her terrible two's. And it wasn't pretty.

It was my fault of course. AJ slept in late, so I assumed she was still good to go at what was normally her nap time. It was just a quick trip to the grocery store. I only needed six things. We'd be back in plenty of time for her to rest.

I was pre-warned in the car. It started with a kid's cup with a lid and straw she had in the car, one from a restaurant. After a minute of driving, she pulled the straw out and noticed that a little juice came with it.

Then she noticed that if she whipped it around in the air, the juice came back out. I didn't realize what she was doing, being the good driver that I am, until the juice hit my face.

"No AJ, put the straw back," I said.

"No," she replied lightly, without a care in the world, and did it again.

"AJ, I said NOW!"

She put the straw back in, but only get to more juice, then she started rubbing the juicy end of the straw all over her face.

"AJ, stop that!"

"I painting," she answered.

At this point, I tried reaching back to take it from her, but couldn't do it safely while driving.

"You're gonna get a time out!" I warned.

"OK," she happily replied as she continued.

At this point we were close to the store, so I gritted my teeth and drove. Once we parked, I opened her door, took her cup and straw, and said, "AJ, we do not paint our face with juice. This was a no no!"

Screaming commenced immediately, but it was short lived as we approached the front of the store and she saw a shopping cart with one of those little kiddy cars attached.

"I wanna drive!" she announced. It would make my ten minute trip easier, so it was fine with me.

We headed for the produce department, and everything went well. Then we rounded the back of the store to the meat department, and I made a crucial error.

While trying to decide between "eye of round roast," which my recipe called for; "tri tip roast untrimmed," which was on sale but looked pretty nasty as far as fatty stuff I would have to trim; and "tri tip roast trimmed," which was priced in the middle; I TURNED MY BACK. I know, what was I thinking?

I'll admit - I was engrossed because I have never bought a roast and didn't know what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks I was doing. It cost me an extra couple minutes. But the last thing I saw, she was contentedly steering the little wheel in front of her.

When I finally made my choice, I turned around to find her at my eye level - standing on top of the kiddy car instead.

"No!" I yelled and put her back inside the car. As any parent knows, the trick is to then quickly start moving, so that it becomes difficult for the child to climb back out. But I stopped one more time in the organic section, just to be sure I didn't feel like spending twice as much for my roast.

Back up to the roof she went.

"You are done!" I cried and stuck her into the child seat in the actual cart.

Again, screaming commenced, only this time something possessed this child to take off her shoe and THROW IT AT MY HEAD! She has never done something like this. It's not like her teenager sister does it. This was pure evil inspiration on her part.

I decided not to give it the attention she wanted - in the hopes that it would not become a repeat offense. I calmly picked up the shoe, put it in the cart, held her down in her new seat, and headed toward the checkout.

There, I unloaded my items onto the belt, told her to sit still, and walked around to the other side to pay. I looked into my purse to find my wallet, when I heard, "Um, ma'am..." and looked up to find AJ on top of the car again.

I walked back to that side, plucked her off the car, brought her back to my side, stood her next to me, and held her hand while trying to dig out my wallet with the other hand.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," she screamed, literally at the top of her lungs, then BITES ME! Again, you may not believe me, but this child has been almost angelic for most of her short life.

I crouched down, got right in her face, and growled in a low voice, "WE DO NOT BITE."

"Sorry," I said to the checkout person and her bagger, who are looking at me like I'm holding hands with Chuckie's Bride or something. Even the tellers in the in-store bank have stopped to watch the show.

AJ flings herself onto the ground, but I'm still trying to pay, so I hold her between my feet while she pounds at the ground. Finally, the bagger asks if I would like help out.

"No, we'll be fine" I replied calmly. With my head held high, I picked the little monster up, tucked her under my arm like a football (a great hold for a child whose limbs are all flailing), and clumsily maneuvered the giant cart/car towards the exit.

By the time we were actually outside, the screaming turned to sobbing, but I kept ignoring her. Getting her into her car seat was rough, but it was accomplished, then I loaded up the groceries.

As we drove away, the sobs died away, then five minutes later, AJ's perky voice returns and she chirps, "I sorry Mommy." I look back to see a cheesy smile on her face, and think "Oh God, I've got another Jekyl and Hyde child."

"AJ, you were a very naughty girl in the store. You cannot do that again."

"OK," she happily replies again, then starts singing.

What could I do but laugh?

Help With Child Care

One of the reasons I can afford to live is the fact that I have subsidized child care. I take AJ to a wonderful center that would cost me about $1000 a month (about two thirds of my take-home pay). It is the highest cost bracket because she is under two and the required ratio is 4 children to 1 caregiver.

Instead, I pay roughly $175 - $200, and a community program that receives grants from the state picks up the rest. I am eligible for this program because I received public assistance after the flood (see Financial Matters) until my dad passed away (yes, I was a single mom who had a new baby AND a father dying of cancer) and AJ was about seven months old.

After you move on (up) from Temporary Aid to Needy Families (TANF), which is "welfare" in California, you are guaranteed two years of child care assistance to help you maintain your ascent to financial security and avoid returning to assistance.

Note: Having been through it, let me assure you people do not, in fact cannot "sit around" on welfare. In California, you are limited to 18 months of assistance at a time (5 years in your lifetime), and a single parent is required to participate in work or educational activities 32 hours per week.

(This is a perfect amount of time to get an Associate Degree or update your skills and increase your earning potential if you can. They will help you get your fees waived and pay for books.)

They do offer new moms the ability to spend six months home to bond with their babies, but only the first time. If you have an another child while you are receiving assistance, you get NO MORE MONEY and have to go back to work after six weeks.

I personally feel this is a very worthwhile program to helping poor parents become productive, tax-paying members of society for the remainder of their lives, but everyone's entitled to their own, albeit informed opinion.

Anyway, the wonderful thing is that this allows the perfect amount of time for a new mom like me to move up in her career while her small child prepares for PreK and Kindergarten. After that, child care expenses are drastically reduced and more manageable.

Another way to receive subsidized child care is to get on a waiting list directly with the agencies that serve post-assistance families and other low-income families. These lists can be a one year wait or more, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Often there are multiple agencies in your area offering some form of subsidized care, and there is now a great way to make sure you don't miss out on the one with the shortest list.

Each county has a Centralized Eligibility List (CEL) that all agencies turn to for finding families that need help. Some counties, such as mine, offer online access to sign up; others require you to call a phone number.

Here is the web site listing all the counties in California and the contact information for their CELs.

The surest way to receive help with child care is through the public assistance route. If you lose your job because you cannot secure safe, consistant care, but are wary of becoming a "welfare parent," know that it's okay to take that temporary hand up (even for a month or two) - it's what it's there for.

Within weeks you will be able to provide your kids with affordable, quality care and you can get back to striving for that American Dream.