I Only Have So Much To Give

To be certain, I have days when I don't rank too high on the parenting scale. There is only so much of me to go around, and sometimes I can't find the right balance between meeting all my obligations and nurturing my children in the ways they need.

My preteen is living in a very scary world right now. Junior High can be one of the worst places on Earth at times. Every one I talk to groans and says, "Oh, I remember middle school... it sucked!"

But she has more challenges than most. I was only a teen when I had her, and whereas I feel fairly capable of raising my toddler now, I can barely remember Aly's first few years. She has had a lot of change and loss in her past, which has made her very insecure in her present.

She continues to have a hard time making friends, even now that we are stable. Her social skills are not the best and she can't understand why kids don't understand her. I try to work around her school schedule so that I can be there for her as much as possible. But at the end of many days, she is so full of angst and need that it overwhelms us all.

At the end of a long day, this is really difficult to come home to. Between putting together dinner, throwing in a load of laundry, cleaning up the messes, giving the little one a bath, helping with homework and preparing for tomorrow, it's so hard to find the time to listen to her, soothe her, reassure her, and guide her. Anyone with a teen knows this is not a ten minute process.

I keep thinking, "I had two parents and they couldn't handle me... How the hell am I going to get through the next five years?!" Then I take a couple deep breaths, decide how to get through tomorrow, note a couple ideas to work on her self-esteem and behavior for the future, and try to let go of the anxiety.

She needs me to say things will be okay, even when I don't have a clue how. But that's my job, and even on days like this, I wouldn't trade it for the world.