The Audacity of Fulfillment

I'm fairly certain I'm entering a third-life crisis. My birthday is next week, and in one year I will turn 30. And I am just not where I thought I would be when I was approaching 30.

Thankfully, my boss - wonderful and supportive and retiring (ugh!) - didn't take offense when I unwilling broke out in tears at work yesterday and accidently said, "My sister is younger than me, and she's starting work on her master's degree, and I'm a lowly office assistant!"

One of the ridiculous things here is, who cares, right? So many people are out of work. I should thank my lucky stars I have a job, and one with benefits! And if the economic situation doesn't turn around, my sister may not have many choices once she's done.

The other side of this crisis is that ALL of my peers, the people I have been friends or acquaintances with for a while who all turn 30 in 2009, ALL of them are married or in "long-term partnerships" (some people in our generation don't feel the need to get married after the horrors our parents put us through).

I know a couple of single moms who are about ten years older than me. That should tell me something. Some of those peers won't be coupled much longer, and I know that. But it's just bothering me right now in a way that it didn't before.

I have been grateful that I'm not with someone now that I thought was good for me in my early 20s. I made some horrific choices, as did some of my friends. And they are stuck right now and I am free.

I am free, dammit. So why am I so upset right now?!