Welcome!

I'm excited you stopped by. I'm here to share the ins & outs of my journey through single parenthood, and to gather single parents & their supporters to share ideas on how we can be successful, happy families.

Please take a look around and offer any feedback to me or advice to others. Good luck on your journey! 

Meet Singleparent

Have you checked out Cereals at PNN? It's a cool site run by another lovely and talented Jaime who interviews pnn writers and other cool people.

I was lucky enough to snag a few minutes with Jaime to tell people about Singleparent and myself. The interview is available on her website, so check it out and tell me what you think!

Sí se puede!

Si se puede means "Yes, it can be done!" or "Yes, it is possible!" While I don't speak Spanish, I like using this saying; it's quite liberating  - and appropriate for parents like me.

Yes, it is possible to be a successful, happy single parent; yes, I can be this person today!

Have you noticed that "can" is a very powerful word? I'm trying as often as possible to replace "should" with "can" when I'm running down my never-ending list of things to do.

When I think "should" do something, I become one more person in my life that I have to nag and potentially be let down by. But when I "can" do something, I have one more choice available to me, and I am empowered.

But can I really be successful as a single parent? And can I be happy too? The answer is yes, if I choose to let go of my fear.

There is great fear in having the sole responsibility of raising children. There can be an almost certainty that you do not have enough love, time, strength, energy, patience & worth to be entrusted with this awesome task.

There is even temptation to accept less than what you deserve in a partner just so that you don't have waste time proving to yourself and your loved ones all the things you've decided you can not do.

My loved ones tell me I am a success story. They point to the two beautiful daughters I raise - who love, trust, and rely on me - and say that I must be doing something right.

Now, I am learning to listen to them. I am learning that I have wasted so much time on my fears, and I am unable to get that time back.

I am learning that success and happiness are not destinations, but states of mind. Every day that I wake up and decide to model these mindsets is a day that I do in fact succeed, and enjoy life.

It is also a day that I teach my children a little something too. I show them that they can live in fear, or they can live in love, but not both. I've made my choice - what is yours?

Please consider some of the most powerful words I have ever read - a speech given by Nelson Mandela:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

"We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

"You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

"We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Warning! Changing Direction!

"I so happy," says AJ.

"Good!" I answer.

"I gonna be so mad though," she says.

"Why?" I ask.

"I don't know," she replies matter-of-factly.

Don't you wish kids really could warn you everytime they were about to change moods, or likes/dislikes, or train of thought? Like when Aly and I are talking about one thing and suddenly she switches mid-sentence to finish a conversation we had the day before. Yeah.

This reminds me of a commercial I hear on the radio right now. I think it's for GPS or something. A guy is talking to his girlfriend about visiting her parents for the weekend, making a complete ass out of himself, and a computer voice pipes in with, "Warning - Make a U Turn Immediately!" and stuff like that.

But GPS for parents. Now there's the biggest money-maker. Any ideas?

Overwhelmed About Organics

Are you overwhelmed yet? I am. Everywhere I turn, I find another food I'm either supposed to buy an organic version of - or not buy at all. Buying organic is expensive, but it's the giving up which is particularly painful.

My friend and I went for an hour long walk the other day, which gave us plenty of time to debate the merits of various claims. You know:

*Eating meat-free one day a week is the equivalent of taking so-many-million cars of the road

*Antibiotics pumped into most animals are creating superbugs that future antibiotics won't be able to fight

*Pesticides used on fruits and veggies will eventually make your child grow a third arm

That sort of thing.

Frankly, I think she thinks I'm just psychotic. Her family happily barbeques cheap steaks three times a week and never gives a second thought to it. She often uses that whole "they'll always come up with something supposedly dangerous that our parents survived just fine with" argument.

The problem is my mom was actually raised growing her own vegetables and doing all kinds of things we now call "organic." It's our generation that's screwed.

But knowing all this stuff is torture, because changing habits is even more torturous. Do you know how much easier it is to leave my bottled water in the car to grab between errands, even though plastic is seeping into the water and poisoning me?

Riding a bike or bus to work sounds nice, but my kids are accident-prone and when a bead gets lodged in an unmentionable place, I kinda need to get from work to daycare ASAP.

Most importantly, we are DAIRY QUEENS. I drank so much milk when I was pregnant that my doctor TOLD ME TO STOP. AJ would eat at least three yogurts a day if I let her. And don't even get me started on ice cream!

"Baby steps, baby steps," I panted on my walk, and I wasn't just pep talking myself through the next mile. Little changes will add up to big changes, and eventually I'll be doing my part to save the world.

But can't I please keep my Cold Stone too?!

Dating Dilemma

In September, it will be three years that I have been single. It has been a huge, healing, neccessary absence from the world of dating.

My previous experience in dating is filled with the horror stories you hear about: the guy who got TWO other women pregnant while we were together; the guy who I thought "traveled for work" a lot, only to find out he was MARRIED.

It didn't help that I never went more than six months without dating. After a while I realized I was partly to blame. Some part of me was seeking out these jerks, and that part of me needed some serious healing to stop the cycle of emotional abuse.

I've matured a lot and now know what I'm looking for in a long-term partner. More importantly, I know when to turn and RUN the other way. I know too many people who have settled, and I don't want their lives.

I've also made an effort to surround myself with people in positive relationships. No partnership is perfect, but the company you keep has a way of affecting your outlook on love.

I feel like I might be ready to at least get my feet wet again, but how do I KNOW the other parts of me are ready to? I think that it "just feels right," but I've spent so much time listening to the negative little voice in my head, I kinda forget what the positive voice sounds like.

I've met a couple guys recently that have given me reason to hope again. I didn't actually get their phone numbers or anything, but I started to feel excited about the possibilities again. Hope is a great start.

Stay On Top of Child Support

Two weeks ago, the weekly child support being automatically deposited into my account for AJ stopped showing up.

I immediately freaked out, particularly given the state of the economy and the number of people looking for work.

But, for understandable yet frustrating reasons, my local Department of Child Support Services (DCSS) would not begin investigating the absence of money until 20 days after it was expected due.

I continued to call in every few days to inquire whether they had heard anything, which they hadn't. Finally, I called last Friday to say that I needed to know whether I would be able to pay rent next month and begged them to intervene a little early.

My worker called AJ's father's employer and confirmed he no longer worked there. Not only did the money stop but AJ was no longer covered by his health insurance. Thank goodness I found out!

Also, thanks to the miracle of computers and the government's willingness to coordinate this type of thing, my worker was able to figure out where he just took a new job. Employers are required to report the social security numbers of new employees immediately, and this is one of the reasons.

His new employer was contacted, and the process for attaching his new wages was initiated. However, this can often take a good two months, so I will have to make some choices about which bills to pay until then. There's no room in the budget for it all.

But that two months could have easily been three if I had waited a while longer to determine what was going on. If you rely on child support, I highly recommend you get direct deposit, which is easily trackable online, and pay attention... constantly.

Healthy, Home-Cooked Meals

In our efforts to get healthy and save more money on food, we are making a bigger effort to have home cooked, from scratch meals. It's hard work!

At some point, I picked up a book called KidShape Cafe, by Naomi Neufeld, and we are now putting it to use. It features "over 150 kid-tested recipes" from Chef David Lawrence and, so far, my kids have enjoyed them all.

The nicest feature of the book is in the back, where three weeks worth of meal plans are listed: breakfast, lunch, dinner w/ dessert, and two snacks. There's plenty to eat, and there are columns for diets consisting of 1,200,  1,500,  1,800,  and 2,200 calories per day, so you know how much should be served to a person needing any of those.

Most of the recipes are really simple, and there's a nice variety. Sections are broken up into breakfasts and breads, lunches, snacks and drinks, main dishes, soups and chili, veggies and side dishes, and desserts (11 with 200 calories or less!).

A lot of the main dish recipes feature boneless, skinless chicken breasts or ground turkey, so it's easy for me to head to Costco and pick up big packs of these. You can also watch for sales on both at regular grocery stores, especially if you want organic, and stock up your freezer.

Now we're eating wonderfully, right? Well, not quite. The hard thing is that it takes TIME to commit to your family's health. And any parent who works during the day is aware of the meltdowns that often happen once everyone is home in the evening.

My new goal is to have a healthy snack ready as soon as I pick up the girls. Then, once we're home, it's immediately outside for a walk or some play time to burn off some energy. Even 20 minutes will do. The girls get my undivided attention and a good walk will lower my stress level yet increase my energy to get me through the evening.

Then I can come in and whip up most of these meals in a half hour. One trick is to plan ahead, shop for groceries on the weekend, and measure out / chop ingredients as soon as you bring them home. Always plan 10 minutes extra prep time for any recipe if you have to do it on the spot, more if your kids are especially prone to interrupting!

Another great feature of the book is that most meals are made to serve six, so we always have leftovers. This is great for lunch the next day, or an easy dinner the next night. Speaking of lunches, there are also some great ways to break out of the traditional sandwich-and-an-apple rut.

I recommend the book, and I recommend working through any frustrations you have about making time for cooking. I understand, believe me, but it's so satisfying to sit down and serve a healthy, home-cooked meal to your loved ones. Good luck!