Single Parent Soundboard

A Real Getaway

Singleparent — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:56:09 GMT

So, my birthday is coming and I was considering having a party, something I rarely do since most people end up having work/holiday parties they have to go to and it's just a hectic time of year.

But then I started thinking about my needs. I am really stressed right now and longing for some rejuvenation. Being a single parent is requiring so much "on" time and almost no "off" time for my mind, body and spirit.

I am now leaning towards a hotel stay for just me. My ideal trip is Sunday to Tuesday (Tuesday being my birthday) so that I have two nights to go to bed whenever I darn well want to, and two days to sleep in.

I want to find a place with a spa so I can get a massage. I'll hit the library before I go and read all I want. A hot tub, a decent breakfast, and luxury pillows also top my must-have list.

Of course, this all comes at a price. AJ's child support stopped again - some kind of computer glitch this time. The money I lost for November is making Christmas look pretty tight. And in this time of economic strife, we'd like to give a little extra to our church to if we can.

But this is a priceless gift I can give myself and, in turn, my girls. I think I will ask my family to contribute to this cause for my birthday and Christmas presents. If I can't squeeze it into December, then definitely January.

I am worth it.

Circle of Faith

Singleparent — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 23:07:03 GMT

The girls and I went to a church retreat this weekend, and my heart is still overflowing with the sense of community I gained. My girls have at least three new "adopted" grandparents and more.

In Spiritual Support, I spoke about finding Unitarian Universalism after living my entire life without a "spiritual home". I am so blessed now to be surrounded by people who fill a unique need I didn't know I had.

I cannot stress how important this is to me as a single parent. While some of my friend circles are growing smaller, as I mature and weed out people who no longer represent the things I want my girls to value, this circle is growing by the day. In particular, my girls have access to men they can admire, which is HUGE for us.

It is hilarious to me that I am now that person saying how wonderful My Church is, when I have distrusted others saying something similar for so long. In my defense, I still mistrust anyone telling me I will be PUNISHED if I don't conform to a certain set of ideals.

Still, I understand now what it is like to feel such joy for my faith and want others to feel it too.

Slackerday

Singleparent — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:27:10 GMT

Saturdays have become Slacker-day around our house. With hectic schedules that require constant monitoring of the time, and chores that seem never-ending, I decided we could use a break.

Enter Slackerday - the one day of the week we get up when we want, eat when we want, go to bed when we want, avoid chores, etc. The one day of the week AJ doesn't hear, "Come on, let's go, we're going to be late!"

I try to watch the time only when necessary - AJ had a birthday party to go to today, so we had to be mindful of that. We can go shopping, but no "errands." We can veg in front of the TV if we want, but mostly it's meant to be a spontaneous family fun day.

The key to its success, though, lies in a pretty structured schedule for us the rest of the week. I can't avoid chores if we have overflowing laundry baskets and sinks. But if I can force myself to stick with the routine most days, I get a whole day of freedom. It's a great payoff.

Stay-Cations: Primitive to Premium

Singleparent — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:22:40 GMT

Have you heard the new rave? With the price of gas being so high, more families are avoiding vacations far from home and taking "staycations" - heading somewhere close to home for a little R&R at a reasonable price.

Well, I bet I'm not the first single parent to have figured this out a long time ago. One of the best parts of our summers is that we try to go camping a few times - and it really doesn't have to cost much.

Now, we are blessed with living in one of the most fabulous places on Earth here in Sonoma County. We live within an hour of no less than FIVE lakes, the Russian River and the ocean.

If water's not your thing, you can try some of our lovely redwood groves or lots of other county and state parks that have their special something to show you. How can we pass up heaven at a mere $15-30 bucks a night or so???

A quick google search for your county plus the work PARK is a good place to start looking at what your area has to offer. Also, you can head to parks.ca.gov for access to more than 270 parks statewide. Campgrounds range from "primitive" to "premium" in terms of accommodations.

For us, a sure bet is a KOA camp - wonderful for families that love clean showers and such. It's still only $20-40 a night, but they almost always come with a swimming pool and lots activities for families.

Some now feature a fabulous "Kamping Kitchen" which is a great covered area with access to stove burners, stovetop grills and even a microwave! Surely one of these places can entertain your family for a couple nights.

If you're a first timer, I would suggest getting up early on a Saturday, enjoying the campground or surrounding area for the day, checking in as soon as you can to set up your tent IN THE LIGHT (why do we always forget this part), and heading home Sunday. Don't overdo it, and you'll all want more!

Supply wise, just start with the absolute basics: tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, cooler, charcoal, weiner/marshmallow roasting sticks, and bug repellent. If it turns out you like camping, a more comprehensive list can be found on KOA's website under Family Zone.

For our family, we like three nighters. That way we can drive on, say, a Thursday, enjoy all day Friday and Saturday, and head home Sunday. We like having a couple days to relax that don't include driving and setting up or taking down.

And this can be done for only $100! Another $100 for food and activities and you're set! If this sounds expensive, it adds up to the cost of only one adult ticket to Disneyland. So enjoy your Staycations this summer, and spend some quality family time with your precious ones. They'll remember those times forever.

Spiritual Support

Singleparent — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:47:41 GMT

In times of stress & struggle, many people turn to their spiritual communities for help.

Unfortunately, my mom is a "recovering Jehovah's Witness" who left when she was told "women don't go to college," so I was raised in a house mistrustful of organized religion.

I have struggled with how to meet my spiritual needs, and increasingly, my daughters'. It is hard, as an adult, to embrace a lot of religious ideas - without question - that others have been taught since birth.

I wanted find people who supported one another without judgment. I wanted to find a community that didn't feel they had access to "the one source of truth." I wanted to find a religion that embraced science, and nature, as well as a "higher power."

I wanted my daughters to learn about many of the world's spiritual ideas and prophets without being told who was right and who was wrong, to be encouraged to think for themselves and ask questions.

I didn't think it was possible, but I found my spiritual home. I found it in a concept called Unitarian Universalism. This liberal faith is hard to explain - it's one part world religions/sociology class, one part community service organization, and one part big family - but it adheres to these basic principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person
Justice, equality, and compassion in human relations
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
Freedom of conscience and the use of the democratic process
The goal of a world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part

People of traditional and non-traditional backgrounds, Christians, Jews, Pagans, Atheists (!), many people in interfaith marriages and more come together to learn and grow with, and support, one another. And my daughters and I love it.

Why am I telling you? Well, if you are like me and are not comfortable with your current faith or lack thereof, check out uua.org and see if this might be the answer you've been looking for.

Everywhere You Look

Singleparent — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 08:11:06 GMT

Have you noticed that everywhere you look, there are single parents? As alone as we may feel sometimes, we're not.

Case in point: I went out to dinner with AJ tonight (Aly had basketball practice). The restaurant had three seating sections. In my section, eight tables were occupied. Four of them were serving single moms and their kids.

How do I know this? Because I went up and asked the other three moms. I've never done something so bold before, but I just had to know. Can you believe it?

Each mom sat with their child munching away (on what I think is a great kids menu), and each had the same look. I'm not sure how to describe it - it's a look I know I get - but it has qualities of boredom, wistfulness, frustration, etc.

I made eye contact several times throughout my meal with them. We shared smiles. Finally at the end I went up, told each woman about this blog, and said I was just wondering if she too was a single mom. Each answered that yes, she was, and each had wondered if I was too.

The more I pay more attention, the more I realize that we have plenty of single parenting companions, all wondering and wanting to reach out. We really do need to find ways to connect more... to embrace and support our community of families.

I'm thinking of taking my own advice below (see Getting the Support We Need) and starting up a single parent group.

Getting the Support We Need

Singleparent — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 03:21:06 GMT

It's really important that we single parents surround ourselves with support, friendship & positive experiences. We already carry the burden of running a household alone; there is no reason exist in our communities alone as well.

Before I moved back to my hometown following AJ's birth, I belonged to a chapter of Parents Without Partners. The friends I made there helped me through some pretty rough times and during my pregnancy.

When I first joined, I was wary because there were a lot of older parents, including ones with kids as old as I was! Each chapter is different, but as a whole, the organization seems to be struggling with recruiting younger members. Are we just afraid to reach out? Have we decided we are too busy? Do we not give these groups a chance?

The connections you make in a group such as this can show your kids that they are not the only ones with divorced or absent parents. You may meet some wonderful parents that can serve as male or female role models when your child's own parent is absent or just a jerk.

A group like PWP also understands issues like childcare, so most activities are child-appropriate or have babysitting available. Unfortunately, there is no PWP chapter in my area now. Check out their web site to find one near you or learn how to start one yourself!

I have now begun checking out the mothers' clubs in my area. Usually a simple web search can help you find one. These tend to be geared toward moms with children under 5 years old. Don't ask me why there aren't more support groups for parents of teens - I guess we're too busy playing taxi for all their commitments!